a jar

Jan. 17th, 2016 02:43 pm
solovei: (OPM - ok.)
[personal profile] solovei
I'm starting to think that there might be something wrong with me. I think, bit by bit over the last few months or so I've lost the ability to enjoy myself around other people. I can't exactly describe it, but it's almost like everything is muted, even things that I look forward to, when they're over I don't feel like I can describe them as anything other than "fine". Not bad and not great, just... fine. 

And the worst part is that I want these things, I want them a lot. But when they actually take place, it's like I'm doing it out of obligation and I have to ask myself "what the hell am I doing here?". 

I'm not going to go into too many specifics and I definitely will not name names. It's not really about any specific person anyway. I'm sure the people that I end up spending time with do their best to make sure everyone has a good time, but it's getting really hard to tell if I am. Maybe this isn't even a thing on it's own but just a side effect of all the other things going on in my life right now. In any case it's a pretty horrible feeling and I really don't like having it.  
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